How would we react to Pearl Harbor today?

To the Editor

I believe if the events of Dec. 7, 1941, occurred in this current political climate, the man behind the teleprompter would be saying, "Today Dec. 7th 2014, a day that will live in ambiguity, our armed forces in the Hawaiian Islands were visited by a large number of undocumented Asian pilots. But first let me apologize to all Asian nations for our unmitigated and arrogant disregard for the feelings of all Asian people evidenced by our labeling it the Dick Tracey Show instead of calling it The Adventures of Joe Jitsu. Although the planes flew hundreds of miles to reach Hawaii, (birthplace on my birth certificate), we feel this was a spontaneous demonstration fueled by justifiable anger over the You-Tube airing of a video out take from the show Kung Fu where in David Carradine, an American portraying an Asian, calls a real life Asian a "Grasshopper," a term we feel to be very offensive to our Asian brothers. As I speak Harry Reid and Chuck Schumer are forming an investigative panel to determine if the damage to our naval vessels and airfields was caused by real bombs that may have been inadvertently dropped or rather by our own improperly stored munitions. I was saddened to learn that a naval salvo fired in response to the spontaneous demonstration went astray and killed three Afghans at a wedding party. While I don't know any of the facts it is plain our naval gunners acted stupidly!

"We will get to the bottom of this, and if any of the Top Brass is upset with our findings, they can speak to me personally as soon as they get through their IRS audits. We will act swiftly to verbally abuse those responsible or my middle name is not Hussein.

C. Doc Mitchell

Wappapello, Mo.