Grieving is different for everyone

Having lost my grandmother, one of my mentors in the journalism field and a friend that I’ve known for more than 30 years since the beginning of 2022, I’ve gotten quite acquainted with the grieving process.

One of the silver linings of that is that I’ve also gained some wisdom about the grieving process that I would like to take this space today to share with you.

First, everybody grieves differently. All of us process grief in our own way. For some people, attending the funeral and going to the graveside is an important part of finding closure. For others of us (including myself), we prefer to handle our grief in a more private manner — some of us even avoid going to funerals.

I am a strong believer that how a person grieves the loss of somebody who had a special place in their heart is their business. It’s hard enough for a person to say goodbye to someone they love without somebody judging them for how they do it.

Second, how we lose someone often determines how we grieve their passing. When I lost my grandmother in February, it was sad, but the blow of it was tempered by the fact I knew the day was approaching and I had time to prepare myself for it.

On the other hand, losing someone suddenly can be absolutely devastating. When I was living in Nebraska in 2017 I received a phone call informing me that the former assistant pastor of my home church in Poplar Bluff had died unexpectedly while having dinner with his wife. He was only 50 years old. When that sudden loss is a parent, a child or a best friend, it can be brutal.

Third, grieving does not end at the graveyard. It might be easy to think after the visitation, the funeral and the burial, the biggest part of the grieving process is over.

Not even close.

While some people can move past loss easier than others, sometimes losing someone really sticks with a person. I know when my mother lost her dad (my granddad, or as I knew him, Pop) 12 years ago, it was several months before she started to get back to normal.

I still think about Pop and still dream about him. I’ve said more than once that I wished he was around so I could tell him about the time I visited Dodge City (Pop absolutely loved Gunsmoke). I wish I could tell him about the time I went to Yellowstone National Park and got to take pictures of a grizzly bear.

When a person loses a spouse or a child (or even a dear friend), sometimes they never really get over it. I’m a big fan of the rock band Toto, and band guitarist Steve Lukather has spoken several times about how he and his bandmates have never really gotten over the untimely passing of their drummer Jeff Porcaro.

And along those lines, grieving never truly ends. But it does change over time and we often do find a new normal. We learn how to live again.

Grief leaves a scar that never goes away. But scars also are signs of healing. We never stop missing those who have gone, but the pain does decrease in time.

Mike Buhler is a staff writer for the Daily American Republic. Contact him at mbuhler.dar@gmail.com.